If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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