if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
