I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
