She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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