She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
