Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
