I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
