Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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