I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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