hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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