Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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