Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
the liver wants what the liver wants
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
