we have pet lesbian snakes
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
