I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
