please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
