i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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