Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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