drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
