I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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