Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're a waste of cheezeits
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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