You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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