my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
