Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
