So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
