Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
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Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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