Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
