Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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