dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
