drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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