Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize