so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
