tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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