You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
