Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
