I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
