Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just found puke in my bra..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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