Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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