Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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