I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
