My sheets look like a crime scene.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
