Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
