while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
