Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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