I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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