Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
