Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
