i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
