That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
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