There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
