I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
