She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
