I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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