Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
