so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
