U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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