you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
