the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
