she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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