this beer tastes like vomit already
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
