If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
